Darkness and Grief
Spoiler alert this letter talks about the death of a child.
Hello Dear Friend,
This week’s letter is a little different, a little darker. If you would rather read a happier letter, may I recommend this one about being creative or this one about chasing your dreams.
For you dear friends who are willing to travel to the darker side of our life on the planet - read on, or listen whichever you prefer. I apologize for the length of this letter too, you might want to get a nice pot of tea and some chocolate biscuits to soothe you as we go on.
This letter started as a memoir piece describing how I used to behave after the death of my brother but turned into a piece about how humans can be just plain cruel to other people and the planet we live on. I share this on the advice of a friend who said that no one normally shares the darker stuff, which can lead to others feeling isolated and alone when bad stuff is happening to them. I am here to say that many of us feel the sadness and pain of this world, I do for one.
Be Good, Be Quiet, Be Helpful
When the grown-ups are unhappy, sad, or out of sorts, I do all I can to help them.
I get up early and dust, cleaning the surfaces until they gleam and the air smells of the tinned spray polish. I will be praised for being helpful, thoughtful, being kind.
Really I think I am just scared.
Scared of more change.
Scared they will leave me.
Scared that something else will happen - another move, another loss, another who knows what…
My days consist of being quiet, pretending to be happy, and pretending to be ok in yet another new school. Whilst all the time I am trying to be invisible, trying not to be noticed, and to just get by as quietly as I can.
I don’t hate my life, but I am very unhappy.
I miss Neil.
In this world of mine, the friendships formed are superficial, all of us just trying to survive this strange world we live in. We know that people who we love and trust can and will be ripped away from us at a moment’s notice. We have no say in this, no agency, no reprieve from the losses that pile up on top of one another like bricks in a Lego tower. Until they reach such a height that collapse is inevitable.
But the collapse never comes, the tower grows, larger and taller, with more bricks at the foundations, and more bricks on the top.
Friendships lost.
Homes changed.
Pets lost.
Schools lost.
Nurturing adults lost.
People who believe in us, in me, lost.
In their places, new faces, new houses, new flats, new pets, new schools, new friendships to form, and new bullies to avoid.
More superficiality to ice the wobbly tower.
How does it stay upright?
Why does it not collapse?
It is held in space and time by furniture polish and silence.
We don’t talk about Neil. There is one photograph of him, I think it is out on display, but I cannot really remember now if it is or not. But that is it. One photograph to represent six years and one hundred and forty-four days on this earth.
It is as if he never existed. Erased by grief, washed away to invisibility by the steady flow of tears.
My parents’ tears, my parents’ grief.
I was too numb, too much in shock to process any emotion in relation to Neil’s death, it was another thing I squished and squashed and squirmed away from. Almost as if, if I didn’t acknowledge it, it had never happened. My best friend for six years, one hundred and forty-four days was no longer here to talk to, to have fun with, or to get into mischief with.
If we didn’t talk about him, or his demise, we need not contemplate the bloody reality of his death, squashed and crumpled against the fence rails with blood pouring from everywhere. My child’s mind has protected me, shielded me from the worst of those images, only resurfacing years later as I saw animals mutilated on the side of the road, the result of nature hitting the hard reality of humanities inconsideration, and coming off the loser. It took me years to realize why I had such a visceral reaction to seeing their mangled bodies on the sides of the road, the connection had been buried so deeply inside my psyche that the links had shattered. It was only when I began my healing journey after my nervous breakdown that I reconnected the dots and the shock of seeing the dead animals lessened. Now it still upsets me, but it is more sadness at the waste of their lives as we humans rush around, not paying attention, or giving due care to those other creatures we share our world with.
Mankind can be an unkind, thoughtless creature, only focusing on what they want, what they need, and what they desire, for themselves and for their families.
That is where the disconnect is between us and the wider environments we inhabit. Yes, we do right to look out for our loved ones, but it need not be at the expense of others. Family first if you want to, but the wider community and the environment should also be considered in our approach to this life.
I feel we need to return to a more holistic approach to the world, an approach that has been practiced for millennia by the indigenous peoples of this planet. We are part of the earth, we should be at one with it, not trying to mine it and exploit it for our own good or the profits of big companies.
Robin Wall Kimmerer has a lot to say on this in her book *Braiding Sweetgrass, I feel I ought to read that book again, well listen to it, as I only have it on audiobook. It is full of such wisdom about how we can pay attention to the earth, to the yearly cycles, to the animals and plants which surround us. All in a way that brings us closer to nature, closer to seasonal living, and ultimately closer to living as a community, sharing and caring and looking out for one another. As a species, we seem to have forgotten how to do this.
Which is sad.
But ultimately I feel it is in this disconnect that the problem lies, we are not surrounded by benevolent beings who will watch out for us, hold our hands when we grieve, or feed and clothe us when we are cold and hungry.
It has led to a society that puts stuff first.
It has led to a society that fears the intentions of others. Are they going to rob me? Are they going to hurt me? I need to protect myself and my family, that is the only way I will survive this.
Thereby ending up with a society that distrusts the intentions of every stranger on the street, and distrusts everyone who is not the ‘same’ as us.
This saddens me greatly, it feels like everyone who is exalting us to be a community, to open our hearts and minds to those who we previously deem ‘other’ are just shouting into a void.
A void created by technology.
Technology can be used for such goodness.
It can be used to bring hope.
It can be used to bring love.
It can be used to organize help for those whose suffering is greater than our own.
It can.
But in the main part, it is being used to spread hate, fear, envy, and violence against those who are already suffering.
Because we are all suffering at the moment, this life, this world we have created, and struggle to exist within, feels broken.
It feels disconnected from the hearts and souls of humanity, from the environment, and from the natural world.
How do we fix this?
I do not have the answer.
But I feel in my heart and soul that if the world continues like this, we are heading for a horrible future.
But I also know in my heart and soul that there are millions of people out there shouting into the void. I am proud to add my voice to theirs in calling for a better, kinder, more hopeful, and more inclusive world.
Will you join me in opening your minds and hearts to those in need?
To join me in approaching the ‘stranger’ or the ‘other’ with love and curiosity in our hearts, instead of suspicion and fear.
To be kind when you can be.
To offer hope where there is none.
I am not suggesting we all throw on hair shirts, sell all our belongings and donate it all to charity, although if you want to do that, who am I to tell you not to? But there is a less drastic way to make this world of ours better.
Speak and act from a place of love.
That is the main theme in my angels novel, I feel, and you can disagree with me if you like, that only by treating others as we would like to be treated can we move forwards as a society.
Truly looking out for each other. On both an emotional and physical level.
Never minding if we look silly or if we are met with a rebuff or even anger from others. I feel if our kindness and love are genuine even the harshest critics will feel some benefit.
Spread love, not hate.
Spread kindness, not fear.
Spread compassion, not anger.
I feel like Yoda.
“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”
The Phantom Menace
Hate, fear, anger, envy, jealousy, spite, ego, and any other dark emotions you can name eat away at our souls. They eat away at our love and compassion.
There are several expressions that spring to mind about this situation, the first one is
“Where focus goes, energy flows”
– Tony Robbins
As Tony says:
“Questions control what you focus on. What you focus on is what you feel. What you feel is your experience of life.”
This is a lesson on self-awareness.
To watch where your mind goes and to analyze its thought process.
Tony Robbins
You may feel that I have spent too long in this letter dwelling on the dark side, on the negatives in our lives, and maybe I have. The state of the world and the inhumanity of mankind towards those it deems ‘other’ has I am afraid gotten to me a little this week. There but for the grace of God/the Universe/Karma (however you want to phrase it) go I? It would not really take much for any of us to be in despair and in need. How would you wish to be treated if you were ever in that situation? I would hope we would be shown some kindness and some love.
The other is a Native American story that gives us an important lesson about life:
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”
“One wolf is evil – he is anger, envy, greed, arrogance, false pride, and ego.”
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, kindness, humility, and compassion.”
“This same fight is going on inside of you,” the Chief tells his grandson, “and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old chief simply replied, “The one you feed.”
By Mind Fuel Daily
There is a link to the article at the bottom of this email if you would like to read it through.
So in conclusion, I just want to ask you to become more aware if you can of where your life has disconnected from others around you, and of which wolf you are feeding.
Things catching my eye this week:
This story is about never giving up on your dreams, a woman who joined a Punk Group at the age of 60, the story is full of such joy. There is a link to the article here and below, alongside a link to the band’s Instagram page if you want to follow them.
Until next time, as ever, may your angels and guides watch over you and protect you until we meet again.
Love and Light,
Tracy
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Thank you for reading and for subscribing.
Until next time, bye for now.
Links:
*Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
A New Start After 60 newspaper article
Anything in bold and underlined is a link to the relevant article or web page. None are affiliate links, just things I hope to benefit you, or people whom I admire and have worked with in the past.
Note: If there is a * these are affiliate links and may earn me a few pennies without adding to your cost. If you buy books linked here, I may earn a commission from Bookshop.org, whose fees support independent bookshops
Thank you for this beautiful sub stack post. And for letting us experience these tender parts of you and your story, from the loss of your brother to your reaction to animals on the road. I resonate with so much of it and I’m so appreciative of you being willing to share.
Sending love, Tracyfriend